The Green-eyed monster and Thoughts

Jealousy is a nasty green-eyed monster that eats you up and makes you feel hopeless…

Tonight my dear friend sent me a link to a show on CBC on messenger…”this young family is living in a yurt, off grid near Yellowknife. Chickens and rabbits and all you did.”

My chest burst into pain. My head began to pound and my eyes saw nothing…

I wrote back, ” …hmmm…I have no interest in watching it. I am struggling enough with missing the Yurt and our life. Jealousy is my biggest enemy right now. Thanks though.”

No one I know understands how much or why I miss our life off-grid in our Yurt/addition. Most people say”just build your yurt anyways”, “set the yurt up where you are.”, “You have something better now.”Or something they figure helps. Which totally doesn’t. They don’t understand that we can’t just build it where we are. If the building inspector were to find out he’d make us take it down. We spoke to him amd he was very blunt about his opinion about them…most likely because he is uninformed about yurts. BC also has new build codes and rules that require you to become a general contractor to build your own home. It doesn’t matter…no matter what the yurt won’t be going back up umtil we find a place where they are allowed. All this is beside the point.

Here I’ll place you in your dream and then rip you out of it. You aren’t allowed to forget the passion you have for your dream, but you can’t go back. It is where you felt like you were actually accomplishing something. Something you built literally from the ground up. Yet you are told to “suck it up and move on.”, ” just let it go.” Or you are sent things that fill you so full of jealousy you can’t think straight and every breath sends a pain across your chest because you are holding back an incredible sob. Your heart breaks. 

People just don’t understand what our life there meant to me. It gave me a sense of worth and usefulness. I had finally felt happy. Yes,there were hard times and sad times and very scary times, but they were ours. We had huge dreams and plans. 

Well, I had a huge part in what screwed that dream up…I believe things happen for a reason and I learned a lot about myself and others since 2012 when our dream slammed to a stop.

I want SO badly to be where we were. I know we never can be, nor would I ever want to be on that property again. BUT I want my lifestyle back. I feel so false,unhappy and unsatisified. I know my friend was just trying to show me something dear to my heart, but I just can’t handle the sadness nor the jealousy I feel around this subject. 

April 4th…

I never did finish writing this post…in fact I was afraid to post it. I don’t know why. I actually started a different one…it too sits unposted. 😣…same thoughts but not. 

HERE IS THAT POST…

I have been doing way too much thinking lately. I have been feeling lost and sort of fraudulent. Not walking my talk or practicing what I preach. 

I miss life at the Yurt so much. I miss no electricity, no plumbing, no indoor running water. I miss the hardwork daily to survive. I miss these things because they gave me purpose. I feel like I am standing still. I don’t feel as though I am growing or living. I am just slogging a long with no destination in mind and it is driving me deeper into depression.

Don’t get me wrong I very aware at how totally blessed to be where we are today. 

I’m just not feeling like I am living my truth. Bill is just….working. He is not living his purpose either, at least that is the feeling I get from him…and one I am listening too. 

This winter has been a hard one on me, mentally, physically and emotionally…I am still struggling. Everyday I feel like disappearing from social media. 

…there you have it. 

I wish my first blog “Yurting Adventure”was still around. It had so many stories and adventures that would shed light on so much of these thoughts. Multiply never gave me the chance to retrieve and move all my posts before they shut down the site.😡 

Now I am just babbling…time for a lovely cup of Orange, lemongrass and licorice tea. 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s